I think the difference between what you feel about yourself and the impression other people have of you is fascinating. For some people I guess the two are the same, but for me it's generally different.
When I was younger and more social I was always out and about in town. I had a lot of friends who were older than me and I followed their lead in a lot of things. I always felt a bit scared and intimidated. I was aware that a lot of my friends were 'it people'. They made up a lot of Cardiff's social scene and I wanted to fit in and have my place in that. Me, being me, was always paranoid that I let the 'cool' side down.
Once I was in town and this girl walked up to me really timidly and said 'excuse me, I always wanted to talk to you but was always too scared.' I asked her what she was scared of and she told me that she had seen me around and just found me 'terrifying'.
I'm so unterrifying. I'm tiny, for a start, always nervous of people, always worrying that I've got bits stuck in my teeth or my skirt tucked in my knickers.
Because I set up a charity when i was 19 and another one when I was 25 a lot of people comment positively on my commitment. I am 100% committed to what I do, but I feel so chaotic and disorganised most of the time. I can't fathom how i get things done and most of my working day is spent making enormous f**k ups.
The other thing people comment on all the time is how I'm the 'confident twin'. Not so. Not so at all. Hannah is confident, competent, clever and sane. It makes sense that we are so different, though. To me, anyway. In my head when the egg split she got all of one type of stuff and I got the other.
She got logic, I got incomprehension.
She got focus, I got faffing about.
She got intentionally funny, I got fairly embarrassing and unintentionally funny.
She got respect, I got rebel.
She got strength, I got massive wuss.
I don't want to be entirely self depricating, though.
I got massive woobers.
The doctor doesn't agree with me about this theory. She laughed when I told her, so I laughed too and pretended I was joking.
Anyway, none of this bothers me. It's just something I woke up thinking about and which was reinforced when I got to work and someone told me I seemed really organised. No, I'm really not. I'm in work, sat in a corner on my own, blogging.
Maybe I should go look busy......