Thursday, 16 August 2012

Fear Factory

I haven't written for a few days because things have been so busy.

But in the last week I have found one tiny window of time to learn a lesson about fear.

I was walking back to my room in the evening the other day and a huge grasshopper, at least the length of my iphone, jumped on my face.

Oh my god, the fear that gripped me was so intense. It was fleeting, but still so, so intense.

Same thing when there was a spider on my wall in my room. The word that best explains how I feel when I see a spider is 'terror'. Utter terror. The hairs on my arms stand up, my chin wobbles, I scream - all these things and more. Its an ordeal.

So, anyway, the grasshopper incident made me think about this a little bit more deeply than normal. What is it that I'm scared of? Is it the crawly little legs? Ew. Horrible, but not exactly terrifying. The eyes? Nope. Beady and alien looking, but not terrifying. The fact that they could kill you? Well grasshoppers, no, spiders maybe but highly unlikely. So the answer to that question is basically no. So what? I can't define it and that makes me feel quite pathetic.

I went out with a new friend for a drink the other night and he was telling me this story about how he got mugged. It was so full on. People dragged him out of his car with guns and lay him on the floor and beat him. They stamped on his head and kicked his face. They left him for dead, took all his money and his car and left him with psychological scars as well as physical ones.

Now if that had happened to me I wouldn't ever be in a car on my own again. I wouldn't be able to walk in the street without suspecting everyone of murderous intent, in fact I probably wouldn't be able to even walk down a street without some difficulty. That incident would decide how I live my life.

But not this guy. He wasn't dismissive of what had happened, he was cautious with his actions as a result, but it didn't stop him doing anything freely and without a problem. In short, he was able to isolate the incident as just an incident. His attitude was brave and courageous. He was explaining his thoughts while it was happening and I was amazed at how someone could be so rational and reasonable with their thoughts whilst going through something like that.

Unfortunately for me, this guy was the one and only witness to my pathetic display of irrational fear when the grasshopper came and landed on my face.

And I felt pathetic.

However, I made a vow to myself then and there to try my hardest to be more brave and more courageous.

So, yeah. Thats my story. Thats my lesson. The end.


  1. just remember your courageous yourself being in a strange land on your own and not being too worried. courage comes in all different forms it wouldn't do if we all feared the same things love and miss you your mummy

  2. Lucy you were one of the bravest people I knew,you lived life to the full and never really let fear get in the way of anything you did....miss you, will never forget you...your Lillybet xxx