Saturday, 11 August 2012

And so the revelation comes....

When I haven't blogged for a few days it feels like there's loads to say, but no order to it. A jumble in my head that is chomping at the bit to get out.

And then when it comes to writing there's this blank. Such a weird feeling having so many thoughts but losing the power of articulation.

So that's my pre-emptive apology for a bunch of weirdo ramblings. Here goes....

When I was 18 and in Uganda I saw someone get murdered.

It was deliberate that I saw it, some people with sick senses of humour were enjoying scaring me and laughing at me.

Lots of other things happened, and most of the people reading this are my friends and already know, so I won't bore you with the details. But this one image from that day has been in my head for 13 years. That event has dictated so much of my behaviours and my life. It made me fear everyone and everything. And I've really struggled over the years to not let that fear hinder me in my ventures and travels. Although I've been really scared so many times I've tried to push through fear and do things anyway. But its hard and its been hard to be open to my loved ones because they worry and seeing as I travel so much I don't want to worry them with things like that.

Anyway, being in Africa without anyone and on my lonesome was a really big deal for me. I know its only a few months, but the reason for the blog, for my nerves, for the 'bigness' of this trip in my head is because I was so terrified of something going wrong like it did last time.

So some of my personal development targets for this trip were about resolving these things in my head, put them somewhere that wouldn't burden me anymore. Lay it all to rest in a way that pysch doctors haven't been able to do.

But when I arrived I got scared that it wouldn't happen that way because the workload in the job is a lot, the novelty of being somewhere new was distracting and I was meeting lots of people and asking lots of questions instead of focussing on myself.

And then the weirdest thing happened.

Now, I'm completely agnostic, but it was almost weird enough for me to become a charismatic evangelical overnight. Almost.

A person who I knew in Uganda, who I lost contact with as soon as I left, but who I had a good relationship with and who was possibly the only person in the whole world who could give me some perspective on this, emailed me. After 13 years. So randomly and out of the blue - he emailed me at exactly the time I was thinking about him and I was able to spill out my stories of all the things that happened and the real reason I left Uganda early and didn't come back.

And you know what he said? He said - that was a long time ago and you're still alive.

Nothing more than that. He listened to me and he understood perfectly about fear. He told me about things he'd been through which were ten times worse, but about my story he said all he could say in a sentence. He couldn't turn back time, he couldn't bring back any dead people and he couldn't change anything. So all he could really say was 'sorry about that, thats horrible, but move on now, yeah?'.

And my head changed. It was a lightbulb moment. Everything just clicked into place and I changed. It really feels different now.

And I don't think he'll ever know what he's done for me.

And, yeah, so anyway, then that got me thinking about Carl Jung and synchronisity. I can't tell you exactly what it made me think because I'm not intelligent enough to critique theories of analytical psychology with a bit of esoteric mixed in, but I paid him heed in my mind.

Weird how things happen. And weird how I can write a whole page of a blog telling you how I don't really understand them....


  1. So happy you feel a change Lucy, I love how sometimes things happen that defy explanation, and are at the exact time they need to happen. I'm so so pleased for you and I know loads of other people will be too, big cwtches x

  2. thats great if you can say goodbye to all that angst. you will be able to grow even more now. you see everything happens for a reason. love you loads and miss you greatly xxxx your mummy

  3. love you soo much Cis and cant tell u how happy i am to hear that the change has come. you are amazing and im so proud of you and how you live your life. you a constant source of inspiration. love Goo xxx ps - did you really have 7 whole beers the other day?? hee hee you musta been wasted!!

  4. Goo - can you believe? And I'm still only a half a pint girl!

  5. been buzzing for you all day about this sis, you can do and have done so many great things even when you had all that taking control.
    I can only imagine the possibilities with you in top form! Governess of the world? Lets get the votes in! :)
    big brocwtches from bro morgannwg

  6. Myke and Christie - I think you guys might take the prize for the most supportive friends in the universe! Thank you so much x

  7. just reading this after hearing the awful news and still can't stop crying. it's not fair. miss you so much luce. mandi xx

  8. Read this today after learning of your tragic accident. Poignant and so Heartbreaking. I lost my Bro in Law Nick, working in his beloved Sudan for 'Oxfam', when his plane crashed July 2003.
    There are Angels and Peace awaiting for you guys who leave us so suddenly just as your lives are transforming.You were both avowed Agnostics, both working for good in Africa, both taken too soon.
    Love and Peace to your friends and family. Wish we had met.....