Friday, 22 June 2012

Love, hate and everything in between

One of my favourite memories in all the whole world was when Hannah, (twin) fell over outside the New Theatre after we were on Britain's Got Talent. We were walking towards the pedestrian crossing and talking and I looked away for a nano second to press the crossing button. When I looked back she was spread-eagled on the floor trying to get up. Like a really clumsy elephantesque bambi, who kept slipping around. I couldn't help her because I was in stitches. Keeled over laughing until it hurt.

I just wish people could see what I saw so they can share the funniest moment in history with me.

I have this thought often. I have so many experiences that I have loved, so many stories I want to tell, so many pictures in my head that I want to share. But you never really can, can you? Unless someone was there with you, they will never see what you see or feel what you feel. This is a thought that frustrates me. I find myself sometimes speaking so much about something, but saying absolutely nothing. Never quite getting my point or my story across.

My boyfriend is absolutely amazing with words. He's so descriptive and articulate. He tells stories and relays experiences with an absolutely captivating energy. I love it. I just wish I had that skill - to pick the words I want and that really encapsulate the memory or the feeling that I'm trying to express. Instead of rambling on and saying the same thing over and over again, but also saying nothing in particular. Lots of people tell me to 'skip to the end' when I'm speaking. Should I be offended, or is it constructive criticism? Some people even roll their eyes. I don't know how to take this, because on one hand I feel slighted and unlistened to, and on the other hand if I was listening to me, I would have definately tuned out at about the same time they did, probably before.

I also feel like this with the love that I have for people. Especially my family. I love them so much, but those words don't say it. I'll say it all the time and it never feels like I'm getting any closer to telling them how much I love them. I think that actions speak louder than words, but then when I hug them so hard it just hurts them.

What's a bit scary about me is that it doesn't take much for me to feel extremely negative about things and people, either. I admit that I never hate my family, ever, ever, ever. It makes me feel funny even putting the words 'hate' and 'family' together in a sentence. But sometimes, if someone is mean to someone in my family, I hate them. Doesn't matter what they've done, who's right, who's wrong, I don't need to have listened to them, I don't need the full story, I just hate them.

Hannah can't believe that my head does what it does. I never act on the burning desire to exact revenge on anyone who has even looked at my family in the wrong way, but it sits with me for a while before I can let it go.

Someone said to me the other day, 'you're quite reactive, aren't you' and without even thinking about it I said, 'I'M NOT F**KING REACTIVE!!!!'. Hmmmmm.....in that moment, I kinda had an insight about myself.

So this post is called 'Love, hate and everything in between', but in truth in my head there is relatively little in between. I have been learning lately that I have to mellow. I have to chill out and relax and not be so vicious in my protectiveness of the people that I love. Its a hard process for me and I have lost friends in the process of trying and failing to loosen up a bit.

I'm very intolerant. I'm very impatient and I'm very defensive. But I tell myself at least I know these things now and I can work on them. And I think for the most part that people and the world are so amazing, I need not worry about the bad side of me coming out too often. Just don't f**k with my family.

I don't know if this next bit is a pointless exercise or not, but these are a few photographs that are my most cherished memories. You might not get them, but the time they were taken were life changing, character shaping, joyous moments of lovingness in my life. And they make me smile.








3 comments:

  1. I love this one the best. Except the bit about me falling over. That wasn't funny.....I love you squillions twinenson.

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  2. You're not a hater L - defo more love than hate in you! I'd defend my family to the end and god help anyone who gets in my way. Stay beautiful girl. Em xx

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